I was looking at some photos of my mother while she was pregnant with me............ She had a beer in her hand.

My dog wouldn’t stop barking and clawing at the door wanting in. After several minutes I had enough, I swung the door open as fast as I could and shouted at the top of my lungs.... Turns out, an old lady from Jehovah Witness was standing there. She staggered backwards and almost fell off my porch. I somehow feel content?

After years of cartoon watching and careful consideration to each character, I still can’t help but wonder....Why Porky Pig never wore any pants. Just his pig junk hanging all out. What the hell does "Yaba Daba Doo" mean? Why Velma said "Jenkies"?.. I think thats a brand of cereal? What kind of comment is "Well Blow Me Down" anyway? He dated Olive Oil who was Anorexic so you know she already had that overactive "gag" reflex. Why didn’t that rapist Pepe Lapue ever get arrested? And what the fuck is wrong with Droopy!?

My mother once made my sister and I go with our neighbor to church. Turns out she was a "Holy Roller". We were in a huge tent, it was hot, everyone was yelling and screaming.. Then they all started flopping around on the ground babbling. It was the first time since I got out of diapers that I shit my pants.

If I ever win the lottery, I wanna buy an ice cream truck and speed through Ethiopia just to see how many people can get to run behind me.... Something tells me they won’t run very far.

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I was at H.E.B. today and some guy with a huge beard was standing behind me. I didn’t know he was that close, when I turned around his beard brushed the side of my face and across my mouth...... It tasted like Herbal Essence and Marlboro.

I once slept at my grandmother’s house in Arkansas. My room was a 110 degrees and humid as hell. She does have an air conditioner but if you turn it on, the raccoons living in the wall get pissed off and try to claw through the wall and eat your face..... At least that’s what I was thinking for the next eight hours. It was the longest night of my life.

I put my dog in the tub for a bath; she rolled around in something that smelled like the dumpster at Long Johns. The second I put my hand on the faucet to turn the water on, she yelped loudly and scared the hell out of me. I yelled back in shock, which must have scared her further.... She vigorously attacked my nose and pissed on me.

If you want to kidnap an old man don’t bother to tie him up, just make him sit down in a beanbag chair. He’ll never escape.

I bet they never let Jesus go to his Senior Prom for fear that he would totally spike the punch, caused he’d be all like, “Ohh what are we drinking, Hawaiian Punch? BAM, nope it’s wine. Ohh what’s that a water fountain, BAM, wine fountain. Are you drinking Diet Coke? BAM, Diet Cabernet.  Ohh hey guys it’s raining outside, you know what that means? OPEN BAR!” Teenage Jesus was awesome!

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next." They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. I wouldn't know. I don’t have any money. But one thing I have learned is this: Poverty doesn't buy happiness, it can't afford it.

NASA spent 8 years and $12 billion developing a pen that could write in space. It needed to be able to work in zero gravity, at a range of temperatures, and be able to write on any surface.......... The Russians used a pencil.

While sitting here looking over my FB page I have come to realize something that has slipped my attention for quite some time........My posts are about as useless as a pair of tits on a nun.

I hope they speak English in Heaven. If I have to look at a menu and point, I’m gonna be pissed......

 

Just once in my life I want to stand around a trashcan fire on a street corner and sing the intro to Kanye West’s “No Church in the Wild” with a group of winos.

 

 

I was in a rush so I grabbed a pair of jeans that I wore the day before off my bedroom floor then quickly got dressed and ran out the door. A few hours later, my boxer shorts decided to fall out of the bottom of my leg in the middle of Wal-Mart. Apparently I left them in my pants as well..... I think they are still there?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them.... and you have their shoes.

 

When someone close to you dies, it really makes you think about whether or not there is an afterlife….because if there is, that person will now watch you masturbate for the rest of time. Sorry Grandma, I hope you like Midget-Porn as much as I do. Otherwise, you are not gonna like what you are about to see.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, so I have NO idea what they're saying.

 

You know your days off to a bad start when you try to shave with a cordless razor and accidentally push the release button causing all the (hair dust) to come falling out all over the side of your face and in your mouth..... Mostly in the mouth. The rest of my day wasn’t much better.

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The last time I went to the theater, a dirty old guy behind me leaned forward and started whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of cat shit and fajitas and was wearing a twelve-pack as a cowboy hat.... I hate going to the movies now.

 

I once noticed an old woman struggling with her wheelchair. Trying to be kind, I grabbed the handles and began to push her. A few moments later, the front wheels caught on the sidewalk and I almost dumped her onto the ground. It scared me so bad I started cussing and shook the chair hard to straighten it.... I completely forgot about the old woman in the chair....... She thought I did it all on purpose.

Nothing like waking up with my Chihuahua two inches in front of my face having the best sex of her life with my pillow...... My pillow is a whore.

Due to recent travels and observations, I have come to the conclusion that Louisiana needs to be broken free from the United States and sank into the ocean.... They can even play some Jazz music like the Titanic when they start to sink.

I went to Wal-Mart yesterday, as I walked in I was texting. I headed for the restroom first and continued texting. When I looked up I couldn’t help but notice the lack of urinals in there......... I was in the womens restroom.

 

 

When I was little I was eating Coco Crispies for breakfast and I found a roach egg in them....It’s amazing how much they resemble that cereal, I hate Rice Crispies now.

 

There’s nothing more frightening than watching a 70 yr. old woman attempting to convert her three cats to Christianity; through extremely loud prayer. Out of sarcasm I yelled "The power of Christ compels you!!"....She angrily stared at me and pointed. I think she may have put a curse on me?

 

A friend of mine bought a pet Ferret, The pet shop gave also gave him a booklet with interesting facts about the animal; one of which read "They have flexible Spines". So I bent it backwards to test that little tid-bit of newly acquired info....It shit on my hand and clawed my face.

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How to be a glass is half full kind of person: Bad News - I once saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window down and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car.... Good News - I saved five bucks!!

 

When I was a teenager my grandmother walked into the room and asked me if my new stereo was a computer, I said no grandma....It’s a stereo. After staring at me for several seconds she farted and then left the room.

I find it interesting how detergents advertise how removing bloodstain is easy........ I think if you've got a T-shirt covered in bloodstains, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem?

Today, I took a call that was a wrong number, a few seconds later they called back and said she just hit redial and didn't understand how she got me again. I tried to explain how redial works, but cussed me out and called me a "fucktard", and hung up....Shortly after that, my phone rang again. This time I told her I was in her mother’s house and killed her with a shovel, who’s the fucktard now? Life is good.

 

I was once chased by a Chihuahua, instinctively I ran. When my mind finally registered the size of this pissed off "little" animal, I turned and kicked it across the road. Life is good.

I was at McDonalds and couldn't help but notice a stray hair on the neck of this girl standing in front of me. Impulsively, I yanked it and she instantly began screaming and crying. Turns out it was a very long mole hair. The thing started bleeding like a gunshot wound...... My apologies went unnoticed.

This morning, still half asleep, I dropped a vitamin on the floor before I could take it. I quickly picked it up and washed it down. Twelve hours later, I found my vitamin still on the floor........ What the hell did I swallow?

About ten years ago, I and some friends of mine were hanging out.  We were in San Antonio staying at the Double Tree Inn. They had a hot tub, and we waited and waited for this couple to get out, they looked like they just got married or something (respect)...I can dig it! Anyway, me and my buds wanted to get in and chill with a few beers after running around partying all night. The hot tub was finally clear....well they left. We are sitting in there and my buddy dips his face underwater and comes up with the BIGGEST STRING OF JIZZ EVER....DRAPED ACROSS HIS HEAD ! How do you tell your Best friend he has cum on his hair and forehead?......... We didn’t. And got the hell out of that hot tub! (that dude must have went a good month without busting......This poor bastard had a load on him that would have made Jenna Jameson gasp!)

When I was younger I and the neighborhood kids were playing outside. They all had those huge "Super Soaker" water guns. I didn’t have one and was getting pummeled. Oh, but I remembered something. As a kid, I was always fascinated by things, and wanted to know how they worked and what they did. I was a bit naive. But I was drenched and did not have a water gun. I improvised. Went in my house, filled my "improv" water pistol with water, but it in-between my armpits, and took the wand and sprayed the shit out of them....... I douched seven children. I didn’t know what it was!... but my grandmothers douche bag worked and that wand can shoot some water if you squeeze it very hard. Come to think of it, it happened on a "Summers Eve".

 

Olympians really need to stop thanking God for letting them win and attributing their performance to God’s will. You know what; there is war, famine, plague, and death ravaging the face of the Earth. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have risen and are destroying humanity AND I DON’T THINK GOD GIVES TWO SHITS ABOUT A 3000 METER DASH!

There are instructions on the foil of this candy bar that I just bought for opening it. One of the overlapping tabs says, “Lift/pull here” and the edge of the foil says, “Hold here.” Listen, if you’re so fucking stupid that you need instructions to figure out how to open a candy bar, then you probably deserve to die!

 

 

 

 

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