Many years ago, back when my little brother was about one and a half years old; my mom used this little contraption called a "Johnny Jump Up". It would seem someone took the idea of a "Chastity Belt" and reinvented it into a huge diaper made of canvas and steel. There was a huge metal clamp that I think came from some salvage yard, I could picture it lifting old cars and trucks and piling them high in the air. It was attached to a large coil that looked like a shock absorber from an old F150. This clamp attached to the center of any doorway you wanted your child to be dangled from like a worm on a hook.

 I am reminded of those Indian papoose stories, how the mother left their children hanging in a tree when they wouldn't stop crying. Sick bastards! Then they created television and that pretty much took its place, you could leave for days and your children would never know the difference. I remember I could have passed out from dehydration after watching cartoons all weekend. And I don't think anyone would have noticed! I can picture it now.....

 "Child found dead after a long weekend of watching Bugs Bunny later on News At Nine"

 And there would be my picture looking like a dead cock roach, laying on my back with my arms and legs sticking straight up. Horrible!! Then a tampon commercial would come on and everyone would forget about it and change the channel. My moment in the lime light quickly snuffed out by images of feminine hygiene products.

 Anyway....I don't know who in the hell this "Johnny" was, but I know he was someone's Guinea Pig! Which brings me back to my little story. My little brother just happened to be sitting in this thing, just bobbin up and down. He was either bored, or the little hook just got a bite? Being the curious child that I was, I wondered what would happen if I "assisted" him in bouncing? After all he was only a year and a half, how high could he bounce on his own? He couldn't even walk for god’s sake!

 So after several minutes of pondering, I came to an interesting conclusion....Much like the Grinch when he decided to steal Christmas... Haha!! I would have to grab his tiny feet and pull him away from the center then simply go! Sounds like it will work?......... Doesn't it? He looked like he didn't mind. He was just standing there all limp and slobbering anyway, how much fun can he be having? In conclusion, I was bored...He was bored.......PLAY TIME!!! (Duff Man...Oh-Yea!!)

 

Now grabbing a small child by the feet is a lot harder than you might think. They kick a lot, maybe he knew something bad was about to happen? Have you ever tried to take something away from a small child? It's like that old Kung Fu T.V show... "Snatch This Pebble From My Hand Young Grasshopper". It cannot be done without the reflexes of a cat! Finally after a whole lotta effort, (if I was in the rodeo that calf would have been roped!)...... I got him, now the easy part....Pull back and release. I started with a small distance first. Just enough to make him fly backwards a few feet, his eyes bugged out as he came to a sudden stop. Then he flew backwards really fast, not much excitement but man did he bounce! His feet sounded like a Woodpecker on a hollow log. Now what??!! We all know that.....

 "Success is only accomplished through an abundance of failure" ....You like that? I just made that shit up, I know........... I Fuckin Rock!!!

So... I decided to push the limit, here we go again!! Like a monkey getting shot into space. I am a firm believer in the whole "Safety First" thingy and if they made helmets that small I would have given him one. But as luck would have it, He don't! I see your eyes rolling at me...This is not your brother! Don't judge me! Here we go again. I knew this one had to be a long haul. So I put my feet on both sides of the doorway, grabbed his feet again...And pulled him so far back my arms were over my head. I was in a Superman pose, and could hear the spring creak as I pushed its limits. It sounded like an old screen door when you first open it.

 Their he was, the first bungee jumper EVER!! History in the making, he should be proud....But he wasn't. Little chicken shit! Prepare for liftoff!! 10...9...8....(giggle giggle)...7...6...5...HeHe...4,3,2,1!!

Just as one tiny drop of drool left his trembling lip....And at hour most perfect moment ...POW!!! There he goes, THE BULL HAS LEFT THE CHUTE. He must have hit 5 G's on his way straight to the door!

 WARP SPEED MR. SULU!! ...ENGAGE....

 I remember thinking the whole READY, AIM, FIRE thingy....Well maybe not the whole thing? You know, like "AIM"?

 Its over rated anyway, right? Houston we have a problem!! He seemed to be moving (At A high Rate of Speed) toward the door rather than toward the door way. I thought of the movie "Back to the Future" and was ready to see fire tracks as he traveled through time! But it was over rather quickly. Instead it was more like a bad NASCAR race. You know, when they just start flipping and rolling? Cool to watch, but it must really suck to be in that car.....Which reminds me; damn I wish they made helmets that small!

He hit the wall doing a hundred and three. He must have spun a thousand times and bounced a hundred more; he even took a huge shit. It was AWESOME! Ricky Bobby doesn’t have shit on this poor child!! After it was all said and done......And after he stopped freaking out... His leg was sticking out the top of his diaper and his eyes were bugging out and still spinning. He looked like he was speed reading while doing Yoga at the same time. That day I learned one very valuable lesson....

                                                                                                                                                                      Johnny Jump Up Kicks Ass!!!!