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It was now the middle of June, I had been contemplating the idea of mowing for about three months and finally came to the conclusion it was time to rid my yard of the forest that was in full bloom.

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I am reminded of the movie Jurassic Park, I just needed a skinny Englishman yelling “Don’t go into the long grass!” as I watch a

Velociraptor barrel through the excessively long weeds in my front yard.

It was just starting to get hot, like freaky hot. “Hell hath no fury like a Texas scorn“. I remember one year it was so hot the fat and elderly were dropping like flies. It was all over the news, “If your chubby or old, stay indoors!” What if you’re fat and old?  Damn, you would boil in your own pudgy wrinkles.

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The temperature on average during the summer is around 103 with a humidity that could make a bowl of steamed rice in your pants. No wonder there are so many Chinese restaurants in Texas. They are saving a fortune just by pouring it into their shorts. “YOU WAN MO WICE WOUND EYE? THE SPECIAL TODAY IS TU BU KU, YOU LOVE IT LONG TIME!”

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Anyway, I started mowing. Did I mention I hate this fucking task?  It felt as though every foot I moved forward the yard would extend a mile. I’m thinking of the hallway on Poltergeist, it just went on forever! Right in the middle of it all, just near the corner of my yard….I hit something.

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It was big enough to stop the mower dead in its tracks. I think it actually galloped for a moment. The little engine that couldn’t!  As happy as I was my mission was at a screeching halt, my curiosity got the better of me. I pulled the mower away and saw this large black object coiled  just beneath the surface of the grass. I’m thinking oh shit a huge snake! But it wasn’t moving, snakes usually move when something with blades comes smacking up side their heads don’t they? At least they start flopping around or something. This one just laid there….. Motionless.

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Closer observation “Meaning I’m now standing over it like a jackass waiting for it to latch onto my face and run around screaming “Get it off, get it off!” revealed it was in fact something more sinister and unusual. Just as my eyes widened in disbelief, there it was…The head! Literally, a huge mushroom of a head! Two of them! It was a freakin rubber cock! Three fucking feet of fat black cock! All coiled up at my feet like a Cocker Spaniel in front of a fire place, and I’m glad it wasn’t wagging its tail! (He, he…...I said “Cocker“)

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I don’t know who brought this creature of debauchery into my life, I don’t even know why they chose my front yard as a means of releasing it into the wild? Nevertheless, here’s captain winky! I kept telling myself a thousand explanations as to how this situation came to pass. Everything from angry lesbians to penises found a way to grow in my yard. I didn’t know they were in season? Perhaps they are perennials?  I cant see myself picking it like a flower and placing it into a vase on my kitchen counter…..It would probably look as though it was wilting anyway. I would need one of those green wires they use on roses. I could even sell them! The Valentines gift that 

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I am grateful it wasn’t thrown as I was mowing! Being slapped upside my head by a large dong isn’t the way I want to die. Even if I would only receive a black eye, the explanation alone would be ridiculous. They would ask “How did you get that black eye?” To which I could only reply  “I was hit in the face by a large black cock of course!”  

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Speaking of Dick Slaps, it hit me…..Not the cock, you sick bastard! Reality,  I now had to figure out how to get this slinking  pile of sun dried vulgarity out of my yard! I cant just grab it and walk on over to the trash can. Besides the fact that I’m not touching that damn thing, I really don’t want it to be sitting there all proudly displayed for the garbage man to pick up.

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I can see it now, they come over and open the lid….Almost like a Jack In The Box, pop goes the weasel! Excuse me mister, but your cock is showing! Every time they come by my house they would point and laugh, there’s that creepy guys house. He’s got a fetish for dirty ding a ling. With that thought, it has to go! Far and away, I decided the field across the street would be ideal. I used a shovel to pick it up. It hung over a foot on either side and flopped around as though it was excited to be going on a field trip. Cars were coming from both directions, some began to honk. Others just stared and slowed down.

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I wanted to just catapult the filthy thing across the road, but was afraid it would land on the hood of someone’s car. I can see it now, some poor elderly woman “Possibly a survivor of last years heat wave” would be calmly driving by minding her own business; Then there it comes, spiraling like a missile right toward her face with only the windshield between her and total chaos. Then….SMACK!!! The old school Wacky Wall Walker sticking to the glass, working its way down head over…Uh, head? There is now a large dick on her hood staring at her….

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One loud scream would be overheard by the entire town as the image of her face in terror zooms away far enough to see the world from outer space. Then back again as birds fly and deer in a nearby pasture raise their ears and run away in fright.  The faint sound of music from the shower scene of psycho is playing in the background. A life has just been snuffed out thanks to the large floppy Cock of Death as it claims its first victim. She will be missed, especially in those “Where’s The Beef Commercials”. He, he….I got your beef bitch, right in your fuckin eye!!

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I paused for a brief moment lost in my disturbing thoughts and quickly awakened by the sound of honking. I thought again, what if I just left it? I know the grass would die around it, leaving the brown spot where it once stood. Resembling a chalked off police line of some crazed crime scene. My children could have come across it, running through the yard and tripping on this licorice jump rope. The movie Anaconda squeezing the life out of a poor unsuspecting victim renders me in sheer suffocation for a brief moment, I’m now running for the road. Mr. Hanky is bouncing violently, desperately trying to cling on for dear life. With one final swing I launch the cock clear into the bush! Ha, ha, I said cock in the bush! I’m sick, I know….  

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Chuckling to myself, sounding like Renfield for a moment, I am free!! I felt as though I just buried a body. The fear in the back of my mind, wondering if anyone will ever find it. I didn’t dare look back.  I finished the front yard!! And couldn’t help but notice the spot where Bigfoot (or at least his penis) was first sighted, with a chuckle I went on about my business.

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(This is my vain attempt at turning a frown upside down)

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I started on the back, cautiously I proceeded with the utmost attention to detail. About midway through My mind was racing over the earlier event that had me laughing all over again. Just as I backed the mower up, the cable on the clutch snagged my water faucet and broke it in half. Water sprayed straight into the air and rained down on my otherwise mediocre day. I now understand why Postal workers go insane, I can feel the permanent eye twitch developing as we speak. Did I mention I seriously hate mowing that fucking lawn?