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About eight years ago I went to meet my grandmothers house in Arkansas. I never grew up there nor did I even know where Arkansas was on the map. Nevertheless........I was on my way!

( To grandmothers house we go, to grandmothers house we go,...high ho a-derio..To grandmothers house we go!!) What the hell is a derio anyway??

Movin on........My grandmothers house was the typical small town style home. Not much to look at but still has this sense of "Strange Familiarity" to it. But every house on every corner in that town had that same feeling....Odd, but whatever?? The house had two bedrooms. One of which I was told belonged to my father when he was young. I can almost here the theme song from Leave It To Beaver Playing In The Background.....

We talked for a long while before she shown me around the place. What caught my eye initially was this huge metal grate in the middle of the hallway. It resembled an old dungeon, I felt compelled to press my back against the wall and walk sideways slowly toward the exit as I prayed I didn’t fall in. With a sigh of relief and a whopping ten seconds lapse, the tour ends. (Souvenirs are for sale in the front lobby...Don't forget your I walked over an old ass dungeon grate and survived T-shirt!!)

So here I am, in this tiny flashback of what might have been an interesting life of a life of some sort. I was reminded of my old house, it seemed like the biggest place on earth. Turns out....It was an even smaller shithole. Man was I an idiot!!

I also remember back in school I used to think I was special because I didn’t have to carry my lunch ticket around like everyone else. That’s because your fucking poor Jackass!!! We also went to the VFW for free cheese......again (Ahem).....That’s Because Your Fucking Poor Jackass!!! Its like an AA meeting, you have to "Acknowledge" that there’s a problem...I’m in the "Acceptance" phase of life. Can you say "WELFARE" boys and girls??

Back in the day (before) The Lone star Card, we had actual Food stamps. They looked like Monopoly money, they had a huge Liberty Bell picture on the front and everything. They looked more like a pastel colored payment booklet than anything else. But it sure made my mom happy!!! Five hundred bucks a month for not doing a damn thing, now that’s the American way!! Poverty My Ass!!

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Anyway......As I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself. This house reminded me of home. My grandmother was the type of woman that doesn’t believe in air-conditioning. After all its freezing in the middle of June, Right?? Fuck No!!!! It's hot, freaking extremely hot. I saw the devil come out of the closet sweating his ass off. I think he even gave up and found Jesus or something? I don't know, but it finally occurred to me that the metal grate I had to use a Bullwhip like Indiana Jones to get across, was actually a huge ass furnace!! AND IT WAS ON!!!!!! OMG....THAT'S WHAT THE DEVIL WAS DOING, PUTTING MORE WOOD ON THE FIRE!!!! HOLY HELL, MY TOE NAILS WERE MELTING. I COULD SMELL BRIMSTONE (MAYBE IT WAS ME COOKING LIKE A ROAST TURKEY) I tried opening a window, just as it creaked open a crack head went barreling through the yard with the sound of Police Sirens in the near distance.
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This is all new to me mind you, So when in Rome........RUN CRACKY!!! RUN FOR YOUR SKINNY LITTLE LIFE!!!! I got caught up in the moment and couldn’t help myself. Motivation is the key to a happy life, that’s my policy. And it paid off, ol cracky gave me a three toothed smile and a thumbs up just before he dove into the bushes. My work here is done, and there’s no freakin way im leaving this window open!!

 

​As I lay there contemplating my new found environment and put out the fire that kept starting on my face and chest....I realized there was something else that was wrong with this picture. The pillow I was laying on was extremely smooth for this type of bedding. Strange, I thought to myself??? It was also a much darker color in the moon light......This is odd??? So I picked up the pillow, and noticed it was unraveling into this large unusual shape. Then it hit me worse than the five hundred degree heat in the room, and more like a sledge hammer in the face.............
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I WAS LAYING ON A PAIR OF HER PANTIES!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!!! I WAS LAYING ON OLD DIRTY ASS PAIR OF BIG ASS PANTIES. THEY WERE LARGE GRANNY PANTIES THAT WHEN UNFOLDED BLOCKED THE MOONLIGHT COMPLETLY FROM THE WINDOW!! I couldn’t even see cracky anymore......

I ran down the hall and dove over the flaming pit to the bathroom. I was like Superman tearing off my clothes as I ran. Butt-ass naked down the hall in this strange woman’s house!! I jumped into the bathtub and tried turning on the shower......IT DIDN’T WORK!!!!! I have old lady on my face, and NO-WAY to get it off!!!! This is hell!!!! Im in Hell!!!!! Old panties on my face, hot as shit, and now no goddamn water!!! FUCK!!!!

There I was naked, in the fetal position, sitting in the bathtub hating my life....And just when I thought it could not get any worse. HERES GRANNY!!!! She just casually walked in and ignored me completely. Oh never mind the naked man on fire in your bathtub lady. He’s just trying on your panties....With his face!!! She washed her hands in the sink, looked in the mirror and then walked out. Im glad to see somebody is in a good fuckin mood around here.
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I sure as hell wasn’t!!! The tub made this agonizing gurgling sound then dribbled out some fart smelling water from what appeared to be galvanized pipes. The beer commercial you'll never see......

"It's three in the morning, you just realized you spent the last several hours spooning your grandmothers dirty panties she left on your bed. and the house is hot enough to scorch your unmentionables, and has....It's Miller Time!!
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Finally, after sever long hours...Dawn has finally came. I shed a small tear of joy, which quickly evaporated from the goddamn furnace blazing all night. I can feel third degree burns on my face and scrotum. I heard voices coming from the kitchen. I was in hopes it was the Paramedics with an ice pack or Aloe Vera... I would have settled for a suicide tablet at this point. It was my dad and my grandma discussing how cold she thought it was last night. I could only shake my head in disbelief, my god this woman IS THE DEVIL. I did a cartwheel over Satan’s pit this time....................................... (Sweet)
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It was at this time my dad suggested that I could have stayed at his house if I wanted.....Now he tells me??!!!! Cracky is packing my bags as we speak!! I love my grandmother..........But Damn!!!! That was a rough night!!!

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