​

About five years ago, my kids wrote this letter to me asking me why I cant stay home with them. I felt so bad I took it to my supervisor who gave me a week off the first week of summer. That was cool!

The first thing I wanted to do was show my kids something "Educational"...being the role model that I am and all...
I decided on "Dry Ice".
For those of you unaware of dry ice...it has an unusual chemical reaction with several different variations such as contact with different metals and water....This is the key element this story will explain later...

 

I bought this "Experiment" and a few other items to make a pretty cool Volcano. It was all made up of clay, paint and of course "Dry Ice".....The object was to put the ice in a small open container and just add water...It starts to smoke and bubble which looks pretty damn cool! The kids should love it right???


It went great!!! The Volcano erupted and smoke came out...It was Awesome!!

I then took it to new levels like putting it in the toilet....SHUT UP!! THIS IS NOT YOUR HOUSE!!! All went well, we had a blast..

About an hour later it was decided that it would be cool to put some in an empty 3 liter Coke bottle...Then....Put the lid on it.......
​
 

​
 

I heard this loud popping sound coming from outside, when I checked to see what it was; the bottle had swollen up so big, it looked like a party ball! It was completely rounded off!! Holy Shit!!! Even the label...(Which was Vanilla Coke by the way) was split from all the swelling this thing did!! It was gonna blow!!

I knew I had to get rid of this Atomic Bomb that was bound to go off.....So..................... I picked it up.

(Yes.. I know, there comes a time in everyone’s life when they have this "Dont be a Dick" moment)....Now its My time to shine!!! I picked the bottle up by the neck, it was half full of percolating water and chunks of ice that will not stop smoking!!! At that moment, just as the water and ice sloshed down "TOWARDS MY HAND!!!" I heard this loud BOOM!!!!! That made my ears ring and birds fly from every treetop for miles around.. I would not be surprised at this time to hear that "Warning" siren when a disaster is about to hit, go off!!
​
 

​
 

"I had No-Idea what just happened!!! Im now on my knees holding a chunk of twisted plastic.......(That was still bubbling by the way)...... My son was just standing there with his mouth open starring at me, my nephew was straddling a chain link fence, and I cant hear anything except this loud ringing in my ears!!! OMG!!! I just blew my ass up!!!!

It was at this moment when I couldn’t help but notice, (Due to the overwhelming pain now pulsating in my hand)..That something was missing here???!!!! Why what ever could it be???? Oh yea....MY FUCKING THUMB!!!! Did yall hear what I just said??!!

​
 

My thumb...which was there just a few minutes ago has abandoned ship and is now GONE!! It's just gone, fucking gone!!!!!!!
​


Life just could not get any better now could it?? I am now officially a cartoon character.

Sooo.....Quickly, and by quickly I mean as soon as my head stopped spinning, I got up and ran inside. I then attempted to tell my now "ex" wife what happened and all she could say was what happened to your leg?? My leg?? What the hell are you talking about my LEG for anyway??!! Did you just hear what I said about my thu........????

SON OF A BITCH!!!!! My leg, thanks for noticing.......Is also all fucked up!!! Right above my knee.....It looked like a new butt crack!!! I am now trying to put on my pants (with one hand and one ass-cracked leg) in a big ass hurry...WERE GOIN ON A FIELD TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL!!!! YEAY!!!
​


I get into the car and put my seat belt on, I couldn’t help but notice the smoke billowing from my shirt collar like a chimney....What now??? I picked up my shirt to find the forest fire I must have raging somewhere on my chest??!!! And there it was....Another hole!!! Right next to the ol belly button. GREAT....I now have two (Count them 2) belly button holes!!! Im officially a freak, I can hear The Count from Sesame Street...One belly button ha,ha,ha...Two belly buttons ha,ha,ha....FUCK YOU COUNT!!!! I have a new asshole to match the new butt crack on my leg.

Finally we get to the hospital.................. I run up to the desk, the nurse takes one look at my twisted smoking ass and asked me to fill out some forms first???? How can I do this without a thumb? Do you have any tape I could use to strap the pen to my hand? What the fuck am I supposed to do with a pen, if I can't even hold the damn thing???
​


They now have me waiting next to other "Emergencies"....I think one guy was on fire...He couldn’t hold the pen either...I felt like Beetle Juice waiting in the lobby, I started looking for that guy with the shrunken head. Or at least the song "Jump In The Line" playing on the intercom......They had a television set that had some commercial on that shortly played "Don’t Worry" by Bob Marley??? God is now mocking me........

After about four hours went by ( I passed out a few times from the pain and blood loss, so it went by rather quickly) They finally took me into another room.

The doctor didn’t believe me that Dry Ice could cause such damage and assured me that I must have used a pipe bomb of some sort.... His powers of deduction were astounding......Now if he could get Scooby Doo and the rest of the gang to unmask me, we can end this cartoon...Ya Jackass!!!!
​


My X-Ray showed this spiral shaped object in my stomach, which according to the Indian man taking my X-Rays (He sounded a lot like Abu from the Simpsons) That it was "Metal" from my imaginary bomb stuck in there.......I REALLY want a second opinion right now!!!!! I was not aware the Taliban had a hospital??? I was REALLY unaware that I was the Unabomber???!! They then decided to use a Q-Tip the size of a Samurai sword to see how deep this hole really was........OWWWWWW!!!!!! That shit hurt so bad, I thought I was going to literally shit all over myself!! I was going to slap that red dot off his Goddamn forehead, if he did that shit again!!! Just as he pulled that thing out, There it was....This long unraveled Vanilla Coke label came out with it...It was like that magic trick with the 100 foot handkerchief that just keeps coming....That shit was me!!! I hated to say I told you so buddy, But...I fucking told your bobble headed ass!!!!

Now sew my shit back on and get me the hell out of here!!!

The anesthetic was slowwwwwwwwww...............And they got tired of waiting, so they started without it.....The words "Searing Pain" now have true meaning.
​


Im trying to think of something else, I think "Jacking off" is probably not gonna happen anytime soon........Hitch hiking...Also a no go..........What to do, what to do???? Then I remembered...I now get to spend the rest of the summer on Medical Leave, and some much wanted time with the kids..........Now that’s turning a frown upside down, now isn’t it???