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Way back when I was in the military, just after basic, and a few weeks into AIT, we were finally allowed some 'Outside' time. For most people who have been cooped up for nine weeks getting yelled at, then a few more weeks wandering around a new military establishment "still getting yelled at" while trying to figure out what the hell it is you are supposed to do next......

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This was awesome!! I felt like a kid in a toy store, actually with this kinda freedom it was more like a Crack head with a new pipe!

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Anyway.....A few of us decided to get a room, buy a shit-load of beer and celebrate. We got a room at the local motel 6. This place sucked!! There were bums and what appeared to be prostitutes wandering around the parking lot. Tom Bodett better leave the light on for my ass, cause im not getting out of the cab until he turns that bitch on!!

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About seven cases and a broken T.V. later someone in the room thought it would be a good idea to hire a stripper to come to the room. We're all adults here (In A Way), why not?? I am NOT one of those guys that go to these clubs and waste my time giving dollar bills to random women who call themselves names like 'Cherry Pie' Nor do I care to bring that shit into my house. Fun is fun, don’t get me wrong, but damn...That shit is so stupid. They are all 'She likes me'...Dude, you just paid her a hundred dollars to put her crotch in your face....Give me a hundred bucks and ill skull fuck your ass if that’s your thing!!

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'I sometimes, more often than not (Ahem)

cough, cough... tend to voice my opinion of such things in a very sarcastic manner. For the record….Im not an Asshole, Im just sorely misunderstood !!!'

 

So after having several, (By several I mean shit-load of) beers and a few jello shots of something that may have been jet fuel mixed with Smirnoff....I don’t know?? I was in a relaxed state of mind. After hearing this suggestion, I felt compelled to give my 'Two Cents' on the idea.

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My experience in friendly gatherings with various friends and acquaintances has come to an interesting conclusion....... (Now I feel like that woman reporting about living amongst the gorillas).....There is always ONE person in the group that has an 'Idea' that is sooo ridiculous and ignorant that it 'almost' actually sounds like a 'Good' Idea.

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Sadly, the stripper idea was just the beginning.....Lets not forget I still had My 'brilliant' plan..... I couldn’t help but pry myself from the chair and drunken slump I was now proudly settling into and stand up. Not an easy task by the way, stumbling and swaying (Like a new born calf) Im now standing, Pausing for a moment (Cause I forgot what the hell my idea was) Soon I will have everyone’s attention with an idea that will stop everything! .....But what was it?? Oh yea.....

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I said...... 'Why settle for just a stripper, when we could hire a midget stripper??' That’s right kids, today’s magic word is 'Freak'...Can you say 'FR E AK' boys and girls???? My drunk ass just had an Epiphany! Why not??? Surely most of these people have already seen a naked woman in their lives at some point? But ask yourself........Have you EVER seen a naked midget???

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The room was silent now...... The music was like a record with the needle drug across it, then total silence....Everyone began starring at me. The sound of a single light (perhaps nervous) cough could be heard in the distance. This was bad.....I felt like those movies when the village was wanting a human sacrifice, and I was going to be it! Into the volcano you son of a bitch!!!! Well shit.......I took another drink. Then it occurred to me that this is Texas....... There are no volcanoes, No need to click your heels together three times, Im already home....

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This is good news!! Then why the fuck is everyone starring at ME??!! I took another drink from the Party Ball I was now using as a mug, then checked to see if I may have pissed on myself....No, Im good. I also noticed that I haven’t spewed either.......Nope!! Im good, also a good sign...Then WTF??!!

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It was at that moment in my most mortified state where running for the door while shoving people in a face masking manner like a football player heading in for that one last touch down..... Out of my way bitches!!!...Was not far from occurring, I even figured out a way to dive through the window over an angry mob if need be! That would be cool.... The theme song 'Secret Agent Man is now playing in the back of my mind. (I was thinking all of this to myself at the time, I just wasn’t moving). Frozen with uncertainty, my heart is now pounding through my chest so badly it was making shit fall out of my pockets......Maybe I was staggering, or perhaps even shaking??? I don’t fucking know okay!!?? So for the sake of my story, well just say I was in a cool Kung-Fu ready to pounce like a cat kinda stance......

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It was at this moment that someone, (Thank You Whoever The Hell You Were) yelled out 'Fuck Yea!!' Then the crowd fell in. All is now right in my world again. (Sigh of relief)Excellent......

Anticipation In the words of that movie Gladiator 'I DO NOT ENTERTAIN' But im sure glad everyone is now happy!

 

The search began with a phone call. Then more phone calls.....It just kinda spread out from there like those telethons you see on PMS?? I mean 'PBS'. I have now become Tyler Durden of Fight Club...The first rule of 'Naked Midget Strippers' is we do not talk about the naked midget strippers'......

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Finally, after hundreds of phone calls with people who know people and friend of a friend of mine conversations....SUCCESS!!! She will be here in half an hour. That’s awesome!!!

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The jokes and comments have now begun. Everything from carrying her around in a backpack like Yoda from Star Wars, to picking her tiny ass up and playing her like a guitar...It went on and on. My personal favorite was a brutal poking that would make her eyes bug out and her body look like an Anaconda that just ate a Wiffle Bat...OMG!!! What have I started??!! More people came...then more....It was getting crazy! The people that were called had to see for themselves what this poor little shit was gonna do. Then there was a knock at the door...It echoed with every strike. A deep pounding that could be felt all the way down to my toes. We all hesitated on answering the door.......Then (everyone) ran to it!!! I would not be surprised if someone was killed in the stampede!!

(This just in, drunken bastard trampled while trying to see a naked ass midget later tonight on News at nine) There she was....About three and a half feet tall wearing a red feathered boa and a black 'mini' dress.....Where in the hell did she get a mini dress anyway??? I didn’t know Barbie had a 'Whore' selection?? Her legs looked like fat little Turkey Drumsticks, and at the bottom was a pair of what could have been doll shoes...(HIGH HEELS!!) I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! She even had the tiny ass fingers that look like Vienna Sausages! Picture a Chihuahua standing on its hind legs wearing a dress and Cha Cha Heels. Yup, now that’s what I call sexy!!

 

It was hilarious!!! I am soooo going to hell for this one! I can see it now, Im gonna have reserved seating in the basement of hell!! With hot coals for carpeting and turning me into a midget with arms so short I can't even jack off!! ....... IM A SICK TWISTED FUCK....I KNOW!!!!

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LoL...What a freak!!! Everyone started pointing at her and busting out laughing!!! This had to be the most embarrassing day of her entire life!! I would not be surprised if she spazed out and started biting everyone’s ankles!! I know about them Leprechauns, I know she has to have a pot of gold somewhere!!! Or at least some of those lucky charms...I told her I really dig her cereal. She must have been expecting someone a lot shorter than us because her eyes were about Cock level!! Her eyes slowly traveled up the crotch to the faces of what might as well been giants. Her smile dropped as she stumbled backwards trying to re-gain balance with those bowed little legs trapped in tiny high heels. Im sure she wanted to run back into her Keebler Tree and hide under her matchbox she used as a bed......

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                                               ******************HUMILIATING*********************

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At that perfect moment , just as her bottom lip started quivering in fear and horror she was snatched up by her stubby little arms and jerked into the room. I wish I had a view from the outside of the room as she was lifted up off her feet and hurled into the room! Leaving a single feather gently falling to the pavement. Ha!!

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She was then carried to the bed (The only place in the room where everyone could see her weird little ass) and planted her heels...... The music started, Thank god for Play station and its ability to play CD'S!! For those of you wondering, the song played at the time was 'FIGURED YOU OUT' by Nickleback. Awesome.......

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There must have been about twenty of us in the room. But everyone was right up in her face. It was kind of like watching a car accident....It's horrifying, but you just can't take your eyes off it. It was almost sickening yet hypnotic at the same time. I had to look away a few times

Feeling the mouth watering warning that always comes just before....(GAG) I was losing it!! Not entirely her fault, I think?? Maybe it was the entire KEG of alcohol I had consumed during the evening?? She had little butt cheeks kind of like Egg Mcmuffins, and boobs that were more like gym socks filled with dirt.....OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!!! Remembering (This is what I asked for) Be careful what you wish for....You just might get it!!! I think I now have a permanent eye twitch, and a fear of Egg McMuffins because of this....

 

Anyway....She danced for about thirty minutes or so then actually hung out with everyone afterwards. She must have made about a grand! Hell, I would dance naked on anything for a thousand dollars!!! Midgets rock!!!! I just don't ever, .....EVER,....... ever, ever, ever!! Want to see another one naked again!!

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