How To Drive In San Antonio

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name. It is "SAN TONE", say it with me kids...."San....Tone". Good job, high five...There are other names to learn such as BEXAR (Bear) but those will be included in the "Advanced" course....

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 A.M. till noon. The evening rush hour is from noon till 7:00 P.M. Fridays rush hour starts Thursday morning. Sounds difficult, but just roll with it...Everyone else here does.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 MPH. On loop 1604, your minimum speed is expected to at least match the highway number....Anything less is considered "Wussy", and you will be ran off the road. Lets face it, the fast lane is the only lane....Anything to your immediate right is considered "Dead man walking".

4. Forget the traffic rules you may have learned elsewhere. San Antonio has it's own version of traffic rules. For example; Cars/trucks with the loudest mufflers go first at a four way stop. The trucks with the biggest tires go second, however; SUV driving, cell phone talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way! This is fun is'nt it kids??

5. If you actually stop at a red light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot....Even more so if your on the Southside.

6. Never honk at anyone......EVER.....Seriously, this is another offense that can get you shot. Let me reiterate that again, especially if your on the Southside.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in San Antonio. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the night to make your next days driving a bit more interesting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, Jehovah witnesses....(I actually aim for them), mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, (Deep Breath.......And resume........)roadrunners, rattlesnakes, and the occasional coyote feeding on anyone of those listed above.

9. Blinkers, If someone actually has theirs on, waive them over to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "Accidentally activated".

10. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 MPH. zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "Flipped Off" accordingly. If you return the "Flip", you could be shot....As mentioned in rules numbered 3 and 6.

　Now that we are on the same page here...lets move on......

11. In the summer time it is advisable to wear oven mitts or potholders on your hands when holding your steering wheel. Tip Of The Day: That "Hissing" sound you sometimes hear when you get into your car may not always be a tire going flat....It's probably your ass cooking in the Texas heat.

12. True San Antonians always seek to park in a shady spot, even before the sun has risen, and no matter how far the parking space is from the officer/store/restaurant. This is why you will see cars scattered around a parking lot instead of clustered in one place: These people arrived early and are trying to park in a covered space or under trees.

Here’s a fun fact: San Antonio is covered with huge ugly ass birds called "Grackles", they live in the trees you park under. There are so many that some trees even collapse from all of the weight. All these birds then Shit all over your Goddamn car!!!

13. "If the driver in front of you is stopped at a red light and suddenly gets out of his vehicle, don't panic.....Red lights in San Antonio always stay that way for several hours. He has plenty of time to make a beer run, chat with the local winos', or simply walk over to the next lane and talk with the person waiting in their vehicle. However, if the light changes before he returns to his vehicle you now have legal right to shoot him in the face. Especially if this occurs on the what side?? The Southside, that’s right kids, Now your gettin it!! HIGH FIVE

14. Last but for sure not least, when you are heading East on I-10 from Boerne you are actually heading (Driving) South on an interstate that goes East & West?? Go Figure???