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Well....Earlier this month I found myself making a trip to Alpine Texas. For those of you wondering where the hell that is.................It's located right around the Ball sack of Texas. The "Taint" of cities. (Cough)

 

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It sucked, Ill just leave it at that for now. Anyway, as I was driving this long endless journey into the abyss; As some of you know I still don’t have a Goddamn stereo in my truck "Thank you whoever the fuck you were"... It was right around the fifth straight hour of driving it hit me.

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I suddenly had to go....(Not just go).. But piss like I was trying to put out a brush fire!! It was starting to get dark, it was cold as hell, and extremely windy....I am not stopping for this??!! Am I??................................

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                                                 ********************WARNING*********************

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This part is sure to disgust and possibly shock the hell out of you! If you are elderly or have a bad heart...You will fucking die from reading this shit!! Don’t say I didn’t warn you when your ass gets revived by someone yelling "CLEAR"!!

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I couldn’t help but notice a large Styrofoam cup on the floor board...???? In a Mr. Burns voice (EXCELLENT)....

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I quickly grabbed up this lifesaving little container and made every concerted effort not to miss....It's a freakin Big Gulp!! I couldn’t possibly miss the hole!! (Perverts) I know what your thinking..... Anyway, I clinged to it like Smeegle from Lord of The Rings and began mumbling "My Precious" as I filled this thing almost clear to the top.. That’s a lot of piss people! It's over now, I can finally relax (SIGH).........................................

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I continued on my journey for a while longer (about an hour to be exact). You are all wondering what ever became of the cup,.....Right? "You ask too many questions"...... LoL

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I began talking to it like that movie "Castaway"....Yes folks...The cup became my "Wilson" My only companion on this odyssey, created from my loins and now sitting contently beside me silently mocking me on my inability to "Just stop and get out". I felt almost obligated to explain myself to my new found friend, and glanced at it several more times before coming to the conclusion that its him or me....One of us has to go! Maybe it was Cabin Fever?? I don't know! We are cruisin at about 75 MPH in the middle of the freakin desert. There isn’t anyone for miles.....Its still cold as hell......The wind is still blowing.....What to do, what to do?? No-ones watching???

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I rolled down the window, the wind rushed in and it felt like opening the door on a cargo plane while in flight...Wind blew into the cab freezing everything and causing my eyes to blur and water...I wasn’t crying!! I wont miss "Wilson" that badly, will I??  FUCK EM!!!

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Bombs away!!! For all you tree hugging people out there......Im with you, I really am.......But try sitting next to a large cup of your own urine for a long ass time, watching it vibrate with every dip in the road. Just jiggling like that water puddle on Jurassic Park, when the T-Rex was coming! That shit makes you change your mind real freakin quick! Don't worry, I'll eat two cans of "Dolphin Safe" Tuna and say a Hail Mary or something okay???? GODDAMN!!, QUIT JUDGING ME!!!

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Anyway, (Ahem….clearing my throat and holding back the emotional distress) ; Just as it left my hand I noticed the small glare of what appeared to be a reflective vest.......

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That’s right kids.....I have just found the only fuckin person in the entire planet riding a bicycle in the desert, out in the middle of no-where!!! If this was the lottery, I would be rich.........But "HIS" day, would still have turned to shit! It looked like a giant bullet traveling in slow motion spiraling like a football dead in this poor souls direction. I could feel my heart beating through my chest as my eyes slowly started to bulge out of the sockets!

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NOoooo!! I shouted, well, (THOUGHT), at least...Hehe! I’m a sick twisted fuck, I know!! It hit this guy dead in the face! His body swerved backwards like someone with a baseball bat struck him up side his head or something?? OMG!! I’m sorry man!!!

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It looked like a bomb blew up on his head! If you put a firecracker in the middle of a pile of baby powder and lit it...That was his face!! Piss went everywhere, exploding into a cloud of disbelief. The entire container disintegrated into a fine mist and was gone....Due to the fact that it was so cold, I would not be surprised if it froze immediately on his face making him look like Jack Nicholson at the end of that movie "The Shinning". I fucked his world UP! Spinning him into a realm of "Horror and Anger" he aint never been before (IN HIS LIFE)!! His whole life flashed before his eyes in a matter of seconds....Sadly, if he lived in Alpine....It was all boring.

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I sped on, I know what yall are thinking, I can feel the glaring of your eyes........But this poor bastard was PISSED OFF, AND THERE IS NO WAY IM STOPPIN NOW!!! I sped on by as he shouted at me, The words "Son of a Bitch" could be heard fading in the distance as I tried to maintain composure. I could only imagine this guy peddling after me with his hair all swooped back and frozen into a feathered hair do like Jack Frost. Then I remembered poor Wilson, I thought of all the moments we shared on the while road.......He will be missed. R.I.P'…..“es“.

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As far as littering goes......I have learned a valuable lesson. And I am reminded of that commercial with the old Indian man shedding a single tear as someone (Just like me) who throws a piece of garbage out of their window as they drive by. Then I think to myself.......................................................

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CHEER UP BUDDY!! AT LEAST YOU DID'NT GET HIT IN THE FACE WITH PISS!!!