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About eight years back

............. And still with the worlds most under rated party group ever.. The United States Army!!! I was with some friends of mine and we decided to go to the River walk for a few drinks. The idea was to pick one alcoholic beverage and see which bar had the best one. After the third or fourth one they All taste the same!! It started off really cool, tonight’s choice was Long Island Ice Tea...It's a "Chick Drink", I know!!! This isn’t your story so piss off!!

About two hours in and a gallon of booze later, we've come full circle and im now FIT-SHASED and happy. The last bar I remember going into had this bathroom on the upstairs level. You had to walk up this winding stair case that went on forever...

After I got out, and took a piss that lasted over an hour......then tried to maneuver my way back down this monstrosity. I now know what the people felt like on the Titanic when it was going down. I waited to see if Leonardo Decaprio was going to yell out "IM KING OF THE WORLD!!" Its bad enough the world wouldn’t stop spinning, now I have to climb down these freaking stairs without killing myself!!

Slowly I grabbed on to the rails and slid down the first few steps, then my feet came tumbling after. I was now a human bowling ball!...Actually More like a Meat Slinky.... Yelling at everyone coming up the stairs, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!" I shouted this as I fell two thousand flights of stairs to the floor. I must have took out the entire Shriner convention with one fatal blow!!! You could almost hear the sand crunching in their brittle old bones as I ran them all down!! It was like rolling over a bag of Doritos.......It got all Crunchy real quick!!! There was even a dust cloud that spewed out of one old lady, she must have been a thousand years old!!! I think she was an antique?                               

                                                  <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<.THUDD.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I finally made it with the help of my face stopping the fall. Its funny how you remember useful words like "Ooof" when something bad happens. I could actually taste my own colon bye this time, probably because I was now wearing my ass as a hat??!! Then the urge to vomit just came out of no-where.....Im good now, which way to the bar???


After I composed myself we (By that I mean I decided it was time to go out and see the world!!!) Or at least more of the River walk??! Anyway, we were walking again....And walking unusually fast due to the police officers that were called in for some unknown reason??
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"Apparently", some sorry bastard assaulted a bunch of elderly Shriners’ on a stairway in some bar, Some radio in the background is now looking for the suspect (A crazed ninja doing kicks and cart-wheels smelling of booze and tea) What’s this world coming to??!! That sick son of Bitch!! Oh well!!!, back to the mission....(Double o seven ain’t got shit on this one)

 ................................................ "Me snorting a jello shooter then throwing up again"......................................................
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Back to the plan!!! Stop distracting me goddammit!!!! I now feel the full bloom of the buzz taking over, I know what Bruce Banner felt like the first time he turned into the Hulk. "Don't make me intoxicated, you wouldn’t like to see me when im intoxicated" As I walk along the narrow path I realize "There is nothing to hang on to!!" Its like tight rope walking over a dirty ass pond! Right when you think shits gonna be alright reality gives you a shove....And in my case...."It pushed my ass into the water!!" It's only three feet deep, but some of the most putrid shit you have ever seen is settled at the bottom! I stirred it right up like a shit slurry. Im talkin slime, dead fish, river weeds, garbage, Kotex, used condoms filled with garbage and weeds on top of the soggy semen that still fermented inside and now grows like mutated Mosquito larva, and Fucking Fecal matter from I don't know what??!!
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I would not be surprised if Jimmy Hoffa came bobbin up at that moment!!.....(I would be all spittin out a shitty used condom, and sayin hey Jimmy what’s up?) The smell was absolutely heart stopping....It just crept up your nostrils and hatched a load of garbage truck juice and rotten eggs.
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"My life is now perfect like one of those beer commercials....... Its 1 A.M. your face deep in thick murky liquid filled with human excrement and rotting carcasses, all of it smells like a hobos ass and most of it has already gone down your throat....Its Miller Time." Duff Man voice....(Oh Yea!!)

At this moment in time......Being the Kodak moment that it was (I know this because of all the oriental tourists that took soooooo many photos of me consuming the worlds largest overflowing toilet) and spewing it back up still while on my hands and knees starring at it.........

I thought of a brilliant plan. Lets take a few pigeons back with us!!!!! Im obviously done drinking???? Aren’t I??! (Hick)......(Gag).......God this is nasty.....So, we head to this large Parasol that always has Pigeons just sitting there shitting all over the tourists that just "have" to sit outside and take photos of crazy drunk ass Americans. HAHA...IM ON U-TUBE NOW!!!
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                             (Rook at that Amedican man.... He dwunk!!, me luv you long time,......... Me sucky sucky)

I took off my jacket and threw it over this fat little bastard; it tried to fly, but was full of all the pasta and other shit they scavenged from all the restaurants on the walk...I could feel the damn thing trying to fly under my arm...Maybe it was just lookin for a place to shit? I dont know??!! BUT I GOT IT!! Back to the barracks we go.....

We had to take a cab, cause driving is just unheard of when you smashed....Even though it would make more sense seeing how I sure as hell couldn’t even walk. About five minute in "The bird gets loose in the car!!!" The driver obviously doesn’t dig Pigeons cause he’s freakin out!!! It just flew around the cab in circles smashing itself against everything it touched, including the drivers face!!! He was all cussing in Arabic (HAKA LE HAKA LE AIE AIE BOO!! or something???...I had no idea what he was saying? The booze has now totally taken over now, I am now completely drunk!!! The guy just kept yelling and swinging his arms everywhere...I couldn’t stop laughing. There were four of us in the back.....someone shouted "It touched my face!!" Damn that shit was funny!!!

The driver just slammed on the brakes and yelled at us to get the fuck out of his car????!!! Parties over.....Im now staggering in the middle of the highway dodging traffic...I can hear him say "Thank you come again" as he drove away (That Bastard!!)... I looked like Chris Farley on Tommy Boy trying to Karate chop all of the cars speeding by me, Im retarded. My friends are running off the road screaming??? What the hell???!!!....Matrix style, I jump over a few cars in slow motion..(By that I mean I ran screaming in a very high pitched voice with my arms flailing in the air) and make it their the side of the highway. The smell of burnt rubber, and gasoline filled the air...(On top of that shit smell that was coming from my clothes)
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It wasn’t me...It was the goddamn Pigeon, I swear!!!
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Low and behold a Medical research clinic was just there almost as though it was meant to be!! There was this Angelic glow coming from all sides luring us towards it, the Moon just shined on it almost showing us the way. I always wanted a monkey, even one that was on medically enhanced drugs??? I can see the little freak now, Sitting in a corner with a rubber tube on his skinny little arm and a bent spoon cooking over an open fire (An almost Christmasee feeling is making me all warm and tingly) and its not just the river water running down the crack of my ass that’s causing this either!!

I climb the fence and run straight (Kinda) to the huge ass cage. There’s a big ass boulder, a rope hanging there, and this empty trough....But no monkeys????!!! What a rip off!!! Then there they were......BIG FUCKING DOGS!!!! No monkeys, maybe the dogs ate them?? I don't care, Im outta here!!! I ran forever! It was to dark to see where I came in at so I kept yelling for help while being chased. I could feel them nipping at my heels and one actually pinched my ass between his sharp teeth!!! AAHHHH!!! You can't out run dogs....I tried it. I think maybe they were after the smell of Tea?? I just don't know??? I could hear my friends shouting from somewhere in the dark.....It probably would have been more helpful if they weren’t all split up!!! Im just zig zaggin all over the place now. I got this Doberman hanging off my left nut and bouncing off my knee as I haul ass......Im about sober now. My whole life is flashin before me.......Oh yea the "Me sucky, sucky!!!"...... Haha
Now back to reality......AAHHHH!!!! Finally I make it back missing only pride and half my sac.... Back to the River walk my good man!!! I need a drink...... I don't remember much after that??? But I did end up waking up on a bus halfway to Oklahoma. I don't even know anyone in fucking Oklahoma???!!! Nor do I know why I was heading there in the first place???...Nevertheless....................

I was covered in dried sludge, grass, and what I now think was Pigeon shit on my right cheek. I was sitting next to this old lady that was clutching her huge ass duffle bag of a purse (Like im gonna steal that shit!!) What am I gonna do?? Jump out the window and take off running down the highway dragging her big ass bag across the county??!! She’s just starring at me with her wrinkly head and creepy bugged out eyes??!!! Her head was doin that wobble thing some old people do....Like she’s rockin to some song only she could hear. Either way,.......She looked pissed off at me for something??
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I wonder if she knows any Shriners??? HaHa

Where in the Hell did everyone go!!??? I was like that guy on the movie Speed "STOP THE BUS!!!" I had a pocket full of soggy receipts, almost a thousand dollars in one night!!!! Damn........ I need a ride back to S.A.................Damn..................I need a drink..

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